Following Pope Francis on Twitter

 following pope francis on twitter

In case you missed it, Pope Francis is offering indulgences – a reduction in the time one spends in purgatory – for those who follow him on Twitter. In an attempt to gain more followers and bring the Catholic Church into the 21st century, Pope Francis is also offering the following benefits:


Favorite one of Pope Francis’ tweets and he will personally bless you (not valid for homosexuals).


Retweet one of Pope Francis’ tweets and he will mention your name in his bedtime prayer (not valid for homosexuals).


Recommend Pope Francis on Follow Friday and you will be allowed to kill one person without sin (not valid for homosexuals).


Read the tweet aloud in front of a minimum of five Christians and this will cancel out one orgasm that you enjoyed in the last 30 days (not valid for homosexuals).


Turn the Pope’s tweet into an amazing graphic to post on Facebook to help spread his message.

Tips: Use an image from popular culture that young people recognize and love. Type the tweet, preferably in a cutting edge font. Be sure to make one spelling and/or grammar mistake to keep it real.

Here is an example:

Automan Pope

Every share your image receives will remove one minute from the eternity you will inevitably spend in purgatory (not valid for homosexuals).

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Here are some frequently asked questions:

Why won’t Pope Francis follow me?

The Pope will follow only those who are true at heart and committed to making the world a better place, like himself, or @DRUNKHULK (not valid for homosexuals).

I don’t use Twitter, but I’d like to kill somebody. What can I do?

Simply tell someone in your life that Pope Francis is on Twitter – preferably on a Friday – and then you can kill one person without sin (not valid for homosexuals).

I heard that using emoticons will send me straight to hell. Is this true? : )

Yes (not valid for homosexuals, who are already going to hell anyway).

As a Christian, I have difficulty reconciling my feelings regarding the church’s seemingly contradictory stance on homosexuals?

God loves everyone, and so we love everyone too (not valid for homosexuals).

Does it seem weird that you are willing to make changes when it comes to new technology but are unwilling to compromise on things that are seemingly out of date?

We don’t know what you mean. We take pride in the fact that the Catholic Church is as annoyingly difficult and mind-bogglingly frustrating as it was centuries ago (not valid for homosexuals).

All of the other Popes regenerated except for Pope Benedict XVI. When will the writers explain how there are two Popes running around right now?

We keep getting this question and we don’t know what it means (not valid for homosexuals).

Written by

Christian A. Dumais is an American writer, humorist and public speaker living in Wrocław, Poland. He has published fiction, journalism, and academic articles in several magazines and journals such as GUD, Shock Totem and Ha!Art. His first collection of short stories, Empty Rooms Lonely Countries, was published in 2009. He also created, edited, and contributed to Cover Stories, a euphictional anthology of 100 stories inspired by songs, which was published in 2010. His most recent book is SMASHED: The Life and Tweets of Drunk Hulk.

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