Non-cannibals won’t die if they sometimes eat food with people parts in it.

After reading J. Bryan Lowder’s “Chicken Stock Doesn’t Count as Meat” over at Slate, I couldn’t help myself and wrote this parody. I’d recommend following the link and reading the article first (especially if you’re a vegetarian) before reading down below. But, hey, I trust your judgement.

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Non-cannibals won’t die if they sometimes eat food with people parts in it.

“Sir! What are you doing?! Put your hands in the air!” the police officer screamed.

I was holding a large knife. The officer had just arrived to my home in response to a disturbance call. We were in the backyard. I wondered what the hell the officer was doing on my property at such a late hour, and why was he shouting so much. I was skinning the corpse of my neighbor, of course, and worrying about the fact that the meat had to be prepared quickly, and wondering if Nick and Jess were truly going to stay together on New Girl, and – oh God, the corpse! The officer was screaming about the corpse. Other officers were probably at this very moment on their way to my home, and, despite my best efforts to take my neighbor by surprise, he had screamed way too much, and now I had failed to get away with it…or had I?

When I have non-cannibals over for a meal, I am already making a sacrifice by forgoing a cannibal entrée in favor of a non-cannibal one. Common sense would argue that non-cannibals in return shouldn’t make a fuss over a small, infinitesimal amount of human flesh. I’ve compromised my cannibal integrity enough already – now it’s your turn. Non-cannibals, people parts do not count as meat.

I bet if you really knew what people parts are – that is to say, it’s nothing like chicken or cow meat – you’d totally agree with me. Considered to be the very foundation of cannibalistic cuisine, people parts is essential to quality people cooking. People parts contain all the flavors necessary in preparing a quality meal – aromatic (bones, cartilage, gall bladders), flavor (blood, bile, cuticles), and yes, pieces that are identifiably human. People parts are, without a doubt, one of the most important aspects of preparing a quality cannibalistic dish.

I know many of you are thinking, “Why not just use chicken?” I asked the same thing to a Ferrari driver just the other day. “Why not just use chicken?” And the Ferrari driver said, “Please step away from my vehicle.” So I asked again, “Why not just use chicken?” He rolled up his window. Well, one thing lead to another, and I can now confirm that Ferrari drivers are as delicious as Ford Festiva drivers.

All that said, people parts go a long way in a good dish. According to my mother, only 100% of people parts come from people.

 Now I am aware that there are non-cannibals out there who would just about freak out if they knew that there were people parts in their food. But I know for a fact that most non-cannibals are practical people who recycle and don’t go to the bathroom until everyone in the house is asleep. I totally agree with all that! That’s why I’m all about people parts. You see, if I’m going to cook people, I’m being a responsible cannibal by using all of the people parts, leaving nothing to waste. So why can’t non-cannibals just recognize my efforts by getting over the fact that last night’s delicious Eggplant Parmesan had some people parts in it?

If you can’t see my position, then you’re just rude. I mean, it’s inconsiderate to refuse food that’s been especially prepared for you because you think you’re above eating people parts. You care only about the few and not the many, which means you don’t know shit about Star Trek. The host is not your servant, but rather someone who took time from his life to study his neighbor’s habits until he knew the exact time to kill him. So unless people parts is going to kill you – like maybe you’re allergic to people’s toenails like Aunt Sue was, God rest her soul – the least you could do is taste the people parts and appease my ego. (And if you think it’s just makes more sense to make you a dish on the side without people parts in it, then you, my friend, don’t understand the meaning of friendship!)

I’m not naïve. I realize that there are some legal and ethical issues about killing people and then eating their people parts. This is why I feel that “don’t ask, don’t tell” is the way to go. If I never told you that there were people parts in your birthday cake, you’d never know the difference. You’d just think it was crazy delicious. Some of you might think that this is no different than putting chicken stock into a dish for a vegetarian, and you’d be wrong. If a writer friend thought so little of me and was willing to show contempt and disrespect for my vegetarian lifestyle, I promise you I wouldn’t be angry at him in the least. I’d simply wait for him to write an article explaining his position and wait for the rest of the world to show him how stupid he was.

Written by

Christian A. Dumais is an American writer, humorist and public speaker living in Wrocław, Poland. He has published fiction, journalism, and academic articles in several magazines and journals such as GUD, Shock Totem and Ha!Art. His first collection of short stories, Empty Rooms Lonely Countries, was published in 2009. He also created, edited, and contributed to Cover Stories, a euphictional anthology of 100 stories inspired by songs, which was published in 2010. His most recent book is SMASHED: The Life and Tweets of Drunk Hulk.


  • john

    Thank you, Chris. I was ready to just rant at this guy over at his stupid article after you brought my attention to it, but you made a much more readable point.

  • Bamboo

    This is brilliant! So much better than the inarticulate rage I was going to blog in response (even though I'm omnivore).

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