The Condition

Back in February when my mother found out we were going to have twins, she wasn’t allowed to tell anyone. When she visited her sister Barbara in March, she sent me an email asking if she could let her on the news during the trip. My wife Justyna and I considered it and responded with the following email:

We’ve considered your request and we’ve decided on the following:
You may tell your sister about Justyna’s condition; however, you must obey the following rules:
1. You can only mention one baby.
2. You can only tell your sister; however, if another person were to overhear your announcement, you must kill them immediately. If you fail to kill this person, you will be fined an unspecified amount of money that will be decided at a later date.
3. You cannot use the following words to describe Justyna’s condition: pregnancy, ocean, taco, delivery, sperm, Chow Yun Fat, conception, sex, fucking, making sweet love, Poland, pierogi, Kurna Chata, Cha-Cha, lambada, Judaism, Sweet Christmas, James Brown, Israel, puppy, bodacious tatas, and all articles and adjectives.
4. You cannot mention Christian’s involvement regarding Justyna’s condition.
5. If Barbara were to contact the associated party, the party would be forced to deny Justyna’s condition.
6. Barbara’s family and friends cannot know of Justyna’s condition.
7. No one can congratulate Justyna on her condition until the said babies exit her vaginal area.
8. Do not mention Justyna’s condition after midnight.
9. Do not mention Justyna’s condition on a Tuesday.
10. Do not mention Justyna’s condition during a full moon.
11. Do not mention Justyna’s condition within 10 yards of a John Grisham book.
12. Do not mention Justyna’s condition within 5 yards of a slot machine.
13. Do not mention Justyna’s condition if drunk.
14. Whenever mentioning Justyna’s condition, wink your left eye.
If you follow all of these rules, you may tell your sister.
Thank you for your request and understanding.
Written by

Christian A. Dumais is an American writer, humorist and public speaker living in Wrocław, Poland. He has published fiction, journalism, and academic articles in several magazines and journals such as GUD, Shock Totem and Ha!Art. His first collection of short stories, Empty Rooms Lonely Countries, was published in 2009. He also created, edited, and contributed to Cover Stories, a euphictional anthology of 100 stories inspired by songs, which was published in 2010. His most recent book is SMASHED: The Life and Tweets of Drunk Hulk.

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