The Sad Song of April O’Neil

April O’Neil’s free journalism workshop involved a field trip to a nearby sewer.

Those who’ve seen O’Neil’s closet have been known to go insane from the overwhelming number of yellow jumpsuits.

Her rivalry from journalism school, Lois, would freak out if she knew how many amazing adventures O’Neil had every week in the sewer.

O’Neil’s diary revealed an unhealthy obsession with Renaissance painters and paper shredders.

O’Neil eventually lost her job at Channel 6 when her co-workers complained that she always smelled of shit.

O’Neil spent the rest of her life doing odd jobs until she died alone of salmonellosis.

O’Neil’s funeral was small. She was buried in her favorite yellow jumpsuit. Pizza with chocolate and clam sauce was served to the attendees.

O’Neil’s Channel 6 producer performed the eulogy and admitted that they aired her segments mostly out of pity.

O’Neil’s Channel 6 producer said she was the only reporter he knew that went to do a story about a dog show and came back with E. coli.

– a collection of April O’ Neil tweets by @PuffChrissy.

Written by

Christian A. Dumais is an American writer, humorist and public speaker living in Wrocław, Poland. He has published fiction, journalism, and academic articles in several magazines and journals such as GUD, Shock Totem and Ha!Art. His first collection of short stories, Empty Rooms Lonely Countries, was published in 2009. He also created, edited, and contributed to Cover Stories, a euphictional anthology of 100 stories inspired by songs, which was published in 2010. His most recent book is SMASHED: The Life and Tweets of Drunk Hulk.


  • Henrik møller

    A rather severe reprimand to Christian A Dumais. I love April o' Neil and Renae Jacobs which is the voice of April. April o' Neil is happily married with Master Splinter and they live together with they 4 ninja turtles in their apartment in the New York City. And i hope you will burn in hell, for hurting April and Renae = Jacobs, as well as mine!!!

  • Christian A. Dumais

    Thank you, Henrik! This is my favorite comment.

  • Henrik Møller

    and a last severe to Christian A Dumais. If i ever see you, i'm going to kill you for writing such horrible and hurting things about my beloved April o' Neil. I'm the biggest April o' neil and the actor Renae Jacobs lover ever in the world. Henrik Møller Thylandsgade 11A, 1.TH 7755 Bedsted Denmark

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