Wait? God gets 10%?

ReceiptIn case you haven’t heard, an Applebee’s waitress was fired after she posted a customer’s receipt online. The customer – a pastor – had written on the receipt: I give God 10%. Why do you get 18? The receipt had since gone viral and here we are.

While I think it’s awful that the waitress was fired, I’m most concerned about the 10% gratuity fee for God.

Is the 10% a footnote in the Bible? For species with a party of more than a billion, a 10% gratuity fee will be automatically charged. If so, that seems insultingly low for a person who not only created pancakes, but the atomic particles that allow pancakes to exist in the first place.

If I were God, I’d put it in the Bible that I deserve 70% of everything you earn.

Then again, a lot of people might move to Russia to avoid paying my 70% fee.

What does God do with the 10% he receives from this woman? Does he pay taxes on it? Does he save it for a rainy day? Does he spend it on lottery tickets? Does he swim in his money like Scrooge McDuck? Does he give 18% to waitresses with his own 10%? Or would he write on his receipt I get only 10%. Why do you get 18?

Then again, if God doesn’t exist, that means this woman has been giving 10% to an imaginary person while complaining about giving 18% to a person who not only exists, but provided a specific service for her.

That’s not 10% or 18% awful, it’s 100%.

Written by

Christian A. Dumais is an American writer, humorist and public speaker living in Wrocław, Poland. He has published fiction, journalism, and academic articles in several magazines and journals such as GUD, Shock Totem and Ha!Art. His first collection of short stories, Empty Rooms Lonely Countries, was published in 2009. He also created, edited, and contributed to Cover Stories, a euphictional anthology of 100 stories inspired by songs, which was published in 2010. His most recent book is SMASHED: The Life and Tweets of Drunk Hulk.


  • john

    The pastor compared an (possibly imaginary) omnipotent "being" to a human. That's not even an apples to oranges, that's like a apples to letter Q approach or something. What does the 10% matter to God, real or not? OTOH, in our material existence, humans rely on money, 10% or 18% or what. The pastor fails basic logic. It drives me bat-shit crazy when companies fire employees for expressing opinions. Not relevant in this case, even crazier when employees are fired for doing stuff on their own time that shows up on facebook or something and has nothing to do with the company.

  • john

    Apologies for the bad grammar.

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